Swalwell's Fang

 

 

BEIJING—Sources within the Chinese government recently confirmed the spy assigned to become intimate with Rep. Eric Swalwell and get information from him has returned to China and there begged to be sent to a labor camp rather than return to Eric.  Why is anyone surprised?  Eric is a dud.

"Please don't make me go back!" she begged after returning to China in 2015. "I'll do anything! I'll break rocks! I'll build a railroad! I'll,  I'll even make shoes for Nike!  Just don't make me go back to that man! It's cruel and unusual punishment.”  But, the officers interrogating Fang Fang were stoney-faced, hard core Communists. They have no sympathy for a tart with a lover like "Eric The Dud."

An international human rights board agreed with Fang Fang and put pressure on the Chinese government to stop forcing spies to become intimate with Eric Swalwell as he is a compulsive farter.  He thinks farts are funny! "Passing gas" is a big tradition in his family.

"We call on the Chinese to return to traditional methods of punishment like labor camps, torture, and executing citizens in public with a bullet to the back of the head rather than invoke the extreme cruelty of sending spies to America to date Eric Swalwell."

President Xi Jinping, ever in his permanent smirk, granted her request, and she has been sent to a forced labor camp rather than having to go back to date a U.S. Congressman like Eric Swalwell. Though several Americans have reported getting strange messages scrawled on the inside of their Nikes like "Please help me. Fang Fang.”  and "Eric Swalwell farts make me vomit.  He is proud of them!" 

This is clearly an issue that should be included in the “Geneva Conventions of War and life in California” international document that was crafted during World War I to outlaw the use of poison gas and other such diabolical weapons like the music of the Lawrence Welk band and the Wayne Newton Christmas album.

Adrian Vance