My Carol

Carol Crosby Vance

This would have been Carol's 81st birthday had she lived.  She was the love of my life.  When she collapsed into schizophrenia in 1967 putting us in a two year nightmare that did not end until she sent me away saying, "Go now you have all the life we have left to live,"  I was crushed.  It took me a long time to accept her act of love and consideration.  She diagnosed her Schizophrenia at age nine!  Such was the intellect of this woman.

What she said was the ending of "For Whom The Bell Tolls."  She had a line from the literature of the world for every occasion so well read was she.  I learned something from her every day we were together until her collapse and then I gave like I never had or ever could again.  It was a whirlpool of chaos, destruction and despair.

We met in our first year of teaching in Manteno, Illinois and came to California as I had been recruited to teach Chemistry in Los Angeles.  The nation was in a crisis need of high school physical science teachers.  Carol spent a summer in LA on a University of Illinois project and wanted to live there.  It was Oz when we arrived August 22, 1960. We thought it was perfect. For us it was all that and more.  We grew professionally, bought our first house, found friends, met people of the world, show-biz, publishing and more.

When our marriage was over I collapsed emotionally and sat before a fireplace in July burning everything in little fires, completely out of my mind feeling deep rejection grief, all our pictures, letters and notes erasing the source of my pain with fire.  Crazy, but it released me. 

Two weeks ago I found this picture in an old original manuscript file from the typewriter days and it stunned me.  It will soon be in my memoir "A Long Way From Normal," now on sale at Amazon.com as we can make changes in the Print On Demand, POD, publishing so it will be more complete.  The joys of modern publishing!

What happens between men and women is incredible.  It is delicate, but has infinite strength.  Smash it and the pieces are like bits of broken glass but it all came back together with this one image.

After a woman like Carol you never forget.  The memory remains.  Ironically, I went on to have two more relationships with magnificent women, but realized I was only a step for each of them.  They both went on to more significant destinies than they would have had with me.  That is life if you are sensitive to the forces within.

That Carol would send me away from her madness was a small part of her dimension.  If it were to happen again I would seek a Catholic priest as they have an exorcism ritual.  I believe she had been invaded by the spirit of a man as it was a man's voice she heard.

All I can say of the great mysteries of my life is that reality is not what we experience here and now.  We live in four dimensions of what Quantum Mechanics says are 11.  There is more to this than we know and what I have in my memoir "A Long Way From Normal," on sale at Amazon.com.  I will send a PDF file copy file of the complete book to you on the understanding that on completion you will write a review on the Amazon site.  I will include complete instructions for it and getting a free PDF reader if you do not have one.  Send requests to me at adrianvance@dslextreme.com

Adrian Vance